waking the dead 2.0 | 3rd of samhain, de sathairn (saturday)

[clayce]

WHO: Aidan and whoever wants to drop in.
WHAT: Courtyard shenanigans
WHERE: The Main Square of Northern Gardens, Imperial Palace, Lightless Lands
WHEN: 3rd of Samhain, De Sathairn (November, 3, Saturday) - Between 3 PM and 7 PM
SAFE FOR WORK? Yep.
OTHER NOTES: '^'


[ This one ambled downstairs, shifted out and simply sprawled over the Main Square, prompting many curious - and awed - looks. It wasn't too long before curious fae were coming around to admire him, to have a quick word, or leave an offering. He is, after all, a functional god, especially in a place like Arcadia.

He'll be here, moon-bathing until dinner time. The lanterns in the area have all been lit, and anyone else in the gardens is giving Aidan his space. ]

Comments

[clayce]

[ Hmm.

He's quiet for a moment. Then, rather softly: ]

Why did you think that you needed to kill yourself in order to make things right?

[ktotheatothez]

[ He has to lie there quietly for a little while. Because why did he think that way that night? ]

It was like...[ He starts, after a while. ] like all I could ever do was get it all wrong; South Korea, South America, and South Africa. I made mistakes each time, and it was like all I could remember was being a screw up.

[ He has to stop, because his voice is cracking a little. ]

Like all I could ever do is hold the rest of them back. I thought of myself as a liability to my Blade, that's why I thought I should die. Past tense. They'd probably bring me back just to kill me for even thinking it.

[clayce]

Mm.

[ He could have returned that with a witty comment of his own, and get right on lightening the mood. However. ]

Arcadia pushes people down roads that they never thought they could take. More often than not, though, it can only do that if it had something to work with in the first place.

[ Perhaps you will understand why he is telling you this without him having to say it straight. ]

[ktotheatothez]

[ He's quiet for a little while when you say that, Aidan. A sad look of understanding crosses his face a moment later, and Roxas is already hugging him in their mental landscape. ]

I still think it sometimes. Even after the fact that I came back as a Card. That maybe they'd be better off without me holding them back.

[ A self-deprecating chuckle escapes him then. ]

I'm better than that, I know I should be. I have to be.

[clayce]

And yet a part of you may believe that you are not.

[ Turning a bit to look at you. ]

Perhaps the first step to determining why you feel this way is to realize where that feeling is coming from.

[ktotheatothez]

[ He sighs and takes another drag off the cigarette in his hand. ]

It's been there for a while. That small feeling in the back of my head that tells me I could have died a final death when we saved Ela. Maybe I feel like I let everybody down.

[clayce]

And that feeling is strong enough to make you think that you ought to disappear?

[ The query is gentle, and coming from a place of concern. That in itself, though, might make it seem incisive. ]

[ktotheatothez]

It was, once upon a time. Way before I really actually met any of you.

[ He tells Aidan the story then, how he felt horrible one night during the sabbatical he took from St. Quincy's. Add to the fact that he'd been spotted by his classmates and told to never come back, that he was a stain on the school's record for flaking like he did. ]

I... I was standing on the edge of the Tower, thinking how easy it would've been to jump as the sun set over the city.

[ There's the snick of his lighter as he ignites a second cigarette. ]

It was a while before I stepped back, I don't remember how long. I just stood there, trying to decide whether I would be a stain on the pavement, and on my family, or if I'd go back and prove them all wrong.

[clayce]

[ Listening yet again without comment, both because he's right there paying attention to your words and because a part of him is sifting through the threads of fate and time, letting them paint the picture for him. ]

What made you decide to step away?

[ktotheatothez]

If I took my life, it was proving them right. If I jumped, I'd never be able to fix things with Mom.

[ He takes a drag and exhales a few smoke rings. ]

So I took a step back, stripped to my shorts and went swimming instead. The day after, I went home to tell mom and dad that I wanted to go back when my six-month sabbatical was up.

[ He eyes you with a small smile. ]

It just... I may have felt that way again briefly last night. So Oswald made his disapproval very, very obvious.

[clayce]

I can't blame him for that.

[ His words are both chastising and teasing. ]

It is dangerous logic, to believe that an immense amount of failure should be punishable by death.

[ktotheatothez]

It took my siblings, a teacher, my Nico, and then finding my way with The Brotherhood in order to convince me that I was doing something good with my life.

[ He's looking wistfully at the sky of the Lightless Lands now, a few tufts of smoke snaking from his nose. ]

It took all of you for me to realize that yeah, I can fail. But it doesn't mean that I need to die when I do.

[clayce]

[ Nodding, and relaxing just a little bit now that he's sure that you are as good as you say you are. ]

Try and try again, as they say.

[ktotheatothez]

[ He moves back into his cross-legged position then, letting himself smile a little as he thinks about it.]

I'm glad I never stopped trying.

[ A few minutes more pass between the two of you just sitting there, before he makes up his mind to ask. ]

Father? Why didn't you tell us about what happened to you?

[clayce]

Ah.

[ And he's... not quite sure how to answer that. Why hadm't he? It was almost as if everything Netsach had worked for for more than half a century had stopped meaning anything.

Yet. ]

I suppose I could start answering you by saying that old habits are hard to break.

[ktotheatothez]

[ He just nods, and when he does say something, it's quiet. ]

I'd know a thing or two about having really bad habits. I know it's not the same, though.

[ There's a hand on the tip of your snout, Aidan. Given that he can't actually hug you, this is about as close as he can get. ]

[clayce]

[ Mmm, okay. He kind of likes it when people do that. =w= ]

I'm of the opinion that comparing experiences is counter productive. [ Blinking at, looking and sounding rather sincere. ] It is enough that one can share similar feelings on the matter.

[ktotheatothez]

That makes a lot of sense. But we worried when we learned.

[ He really isn't aware he's making puppy eyes at you, Aidan. Maybe his eyes flicker up to the bouncing Judgment Arcana on your head, although he knows it's a thread he can't pull on yet. ]

[clayce]

i do apologize for worrying all of you.

[ He doesn't feel that it was unnecessary, but...

Well...

Yeah. ]

I will, of course, attempt to be good from here on.

[ktotheatothez]

[ There's a small shake of his head. ]

Apologies not necessary... I was only worried 'cause y'know, the whole seeing you get your Voidseeker on a few months ago... I just wanted to know that you're okay. Well, as okay as you can be when there's a lot going on.

[clayce]

I am.

[ It's a work in progress, yes, but believing that one was fine with conviction tended to get one's self to the intended destination faster. ]

Thank you, truly, for asking.